the DVM life - Doctor of Veterinary Medicine

I am currently eating dinner. I have a sumptuous meal of phad thai noodles (from a package) in front of me. Price: $4.35. Not the best in the world but it's warm, I'm hungry: a great combo.

I'm also looking at a cookbook I picked up from the library yesterday. It is called "Rice: from Risotto to Sushi". It lured me in with nice colorful photos. It is luring me out with it's ridiculous ingredient list.

Seriously, how can like 50% of these recipes call for saffron and expect people to cook this stuff? Saffron is only the most expensive spice in the world and I sure as crap don't have any. In fact, a quick google search reveals that one ounce of the threads will cost a mere $1,701. Too much? Then you can get a whopping 3 grams for $30.

The author, Clare Ferguson, has an "international reputation as a writer and radio and television personality on food and cooking." She is also very far removed from reality.

Say I want to make spicy seeded pilaf. That sounds good, right? MMM, just look at that great picture: brilliant yellow rice juxtaposed with green veggies and tiny little poppy seeds. Well I should gather my ingredients.

I only need *19 freaking ingredients*. I have five of the ingredients in my house - which I consider well stocked for a normal person. It serves four and will probably cost well over $40 to make. Not to mention it asks for asafoetida. What the hell is asafoetida? As I type, it looks like I've just mashed my face on the keyboard.

Clare Ferguson: kiss my ass. Or share your damn saffron.

Have you seen Koyaanisqatsi? No? Well, it's very strange. I'd imagine that if I took a WHOLE LOT of drugs it would be a great representation of life.

Still haven't had enough drug laced weirdness? Then watch Baraka. It's like Koyannisqatsi, but focused on temple ruins and whatnot. On crack. Or K, or whatever it is the kids are huffing these days.

I watched K.. in class during undergrad. It was interesting but weirded me out more than anything. Last night I rented Baraka from the public library and within the first few moments thought "hey, this is a lot like K....". Because it was. I mean, I think the same guy was involved in making the film. He sure knows how to bring the hopped-up-on-drugs feel to a movie.

Do I recommend? Well, if you don't mind being curious, impressed, and disturbed all at the same time, you should go for it. I just don't recommend you watch it and fall asleep. You will have cracked out dreams. Which I did, causing me to sleep poorly, causing me to miss my pseudo boyfriend, which led me to being down for a major part of the day. So in essence: No. I do not recommend this movie unless you want to screw yourself over for around a day.

Applicant interviews! They start tomorrow - yay!!

I'm excited because they're excited. It's nice to see people excited to be somewhere. I know I sure as hell wasn't excited to be here last semester. So this will be a good reminder of where I used to be.

Two years ago I was just begging to be in my shoes now. Silly girl ; )

I have one friend applying and I'm really rooting for her. We'll see how it goes, I'll keep my fingers crossed. It will be so good to have excitement in the air.

Something special happened today too. Today was my first Sunday off in a year. I got to sleep in and read my surgery book. It was delightful. Though to be completely honest the surgery book put me back to sleep for a short while.

Plus I got to make myself dinner and lunch for the next day. I've never been this prepared for the school week before since I've always worked Sundays. Even more I think this less-work-thing has been a good move.

My dear little compy has suffered from a virus. I spent all Friday afternoon fixing it. This steadfast bit of machinery is 7 years old and still faithfully trucking along. I appreciate its good spirits. I hope it lasts through vet school.

Saturday was nice, I did some house chores (I never had much time to do those either with work!) and now everything is all orderly. Beautiful.

In the evening I went out to dinner with friends. The place was new and, unfortunately, not very good. I could have made much better myself, especially for a $13 plate. I have no idea why food around here is so expensive, back in the city I could get a great meal for under $10. Afterwards they went off to drink and I went home.

Sometimes I feel like I'm missing out on a lot because I don't drink. But then I see my friends get drunk/stupid/hungover and I'm sure I'm not really missing out. There must be some cool people who don't drink and aren't freakishly religious. I wonder where they are and if they want to play with me. I'll bring the Jenga.

I'm also noticing a second dilemma. I have a sort of boyfriend who lives far away. We see each other on breaks and during the summer. I go months at a time without seeing him. It gets lonely. He's not the world's best communicator either, so I'm not exactly getting lots of calls or e-mails. No flowers, no surprise visits, just one letter so far. But I know he cares. He's just not very good about showing it. We're going on a trip for spring break!

On the one hand, it's nice not to be distracted from school with an official boyfriend. On the other hand, I feel like I'm missing out on a lot of the support and nurturing that kind of relationship can offer. It would be nice to have that kind of company. To go out on dates, make dinner with someone, fall asleep watching a movie at home together.

Which brings me to the dilemma. He says I should try dating other people if I want. He's not seeing anyone else, but he wants me to be happy. He says I deserve more than what he can give. He doesn't want me to be deprived of normal happiness just because he can't be around.

You see, I would like all the nice features of having a boyfriend. But I don't want to shop around for a replacement. I just want him. Here. More often.

And it's been a non-issue for a while since I've been so busy. However lately I've gotten a few date propositions. I'm not interested in the boys, but I'm lonely. All I wanted was a date...with my guy. I turned them down.

But afterwards I wondered. Maybe I should have accepted? Would that have been fair to them? I mean my heart wouldn't be in it, I'd just want some company, and that's not really a nice thing to do to someone asking you out: going out with them just because you're bored.

So I guess I'm in kind of a limbo. What if I'm missing out of something really great that's right in front of me - pining away for the long distance guy? But, who could be better than my boyfriend? I love him.

Ponder, ponder, ponder...

We have a surgery exam coming up this Tuesday. Some parts of it annoy the crap out of me. For example, we're learning the theory of bandaging but we DON'T get to ACTUALLY bandage anything. How stupid is that?!? We have to wait until year 3 to learn how to bandage. And sometimes I wonder why I'm pissed off at school ::: rolls eyes:::

Which brings me back to the beginning of the post: once upon a time I wished upon all the stars to get into vet school. I should be content, even if I don't get to bandage things quite yet...

I am sick. Again. This will be cold #3 within the past 6 weeks. Not cool.

I got sick during finals week. Then again on winter break. And now, again, the first week of school.

I guess my good luck at being cold free for over a year has met its match.

School has been decent. Actually, I think I may like it! I know, foreign concept compared to last semester. From my scanty knowledge, the classes are much more interesting. I enjoy things that are useful and these classes are way more applicable.

Surgery lab was the most fun. I really liked being able to actually touch things! Like real instruments and learning how to scrub up. We learned how to tie surgical knots. It was hard for me, but in my defense the instructions weren't prime.

It went like this:
"This goes over here. No, over here. Drop this one. No, this one. Put that under, no, here not..not, no, over here. And drop, NO! Hold the strand!"

Needless to say my friends taught me the knots later without much duress.

I've done some re-prioritizing for this semester. My big decision has been to reduce work hours. I had been doing 15-27 hours a week at work. As I went through my schedule for this semester I began to realize that I just don't have enough hours in the day. After some serious deliberation, since I really love that job, I decided to cut back.

I now will be a sub, which means I still get to work but I won't be on the schedule. I will just fill in when I have the time. Though I will miss being in the kitchen I am happy with my choice and think it will be better for me overall. Last semester was awful and I have no desire to repeat it.

One thing I've been coming to recognize that it is ok NOT to run at 110% all the time, full speed. I can't be super woman and I need to be ok with that.

You have to recognize that I have never quit anything. I was valedictorian of my class, won several scholarships and awards, was vice president and then president of an honor society, participated in and won pageants, have over 1,600 hours of volunteer experience, worked part time all through undergrad, worked 2-3 jobs during the summer, did genetic research, was a senior member of a dance company in a major metropolitan area, and yadda yadda blah. I've been used to doing everything all the time.

Lately I think it's been necessary for me to take a step back and say: hey, I need some time for me. I just need to sit a while.

I have difficulty doing that. I get bored, I feel like I should be doing something. That I don't deserve the free time. That there's just so much to be done, resting is for lame-os. But school has been so intense that I just need an escape hatch, some time to rest and be alone.

I'm just so exhausted. Last semester around exams I would stay up to 11 or 12 and wake up at 3 am to study. All I would do is study, work, school, and sleep. It worked well enough and my grades were decent but it ran me down.

I will miss my pay! Last semester I made almost $1600, I paid for all my groceries, utilities, and gas. I was proud of myself for being somewhat self sufficient. But I will trade the $1600 for not having a heart attack this semester.

If I really tried my little heart out, I could work at the same level. But I'd really like some down time right now. I think I've earned it. I've worked there for over a year, plus working at the clinic, plus school. Phew. I'm looking forward to a little bit of rest.

Hopefully these new changes will help me stop being sick. Maybe I'll even enjoy school more. I'd like to manage my study time better too.

It blows my mind that soon I will get the whole weekend off! I used to work Sundays. Man, now I can study Saturday AND Sunday. Spiffy!

On a sad note, I've poked my head out of the sand and have learned of the earthquake in Haiti. It is awful. I wish there was something I could do to help. It scares me to think that it could happen anywhere. Via 6 degrees of separation, I've been affected by it. My sister has a friend, his girlfriend was in a 7 story building that collapsed. She was helping in an orphanage. Another volunteer in that orphanage died in the rubble. She was only a little older than my sister. Very sad, very freaky, and my thoughts go out to her family and all those who have yet to learn of missing friends/family members.

Be thankful for all that you have.

In order to start the new semester off right, I will name some things I do like. There are plenty of things I do like; a have a good combo of things to have a good school experience.

1) My home. I love my home. It is the perfect size and very comfortable. I love how it is nice and warm in the winter and 100% my space. My home is pretty and smells good and contains things I enjoy and love.

2) My friends. Yesterday I came back into town and picked up my fish. He was being taken care of by one of my friends over break. She didn't charge me anything, though I offered, and he is in great shape. I also picked up my notes from a friend, who coughed up an extra few hundred bucks to get them for me since I missed book pickup. (I of course paid her back cash!) Now I'll be "prepared" for tomorrow! We're planning some fun events and aiming to be positive. I am lucky to have some good friends.

3) This town. I live in a good time in a good town. My town is very safe and peaceful. There are very few, if any, sketchy people. At my previous school it was in the city and it wasn't super safe. This whole town is extremely welcoming and the region is nurturing. I don't have concerns for my safety when I walk about, even at night.

4) My job. I love my part time job! It is fun, I feel like I'm good at it, I learn more, there's room to be creative, my schedule is flexible, my boss is reasonable, and it pays for my groceries. I also get some food from the kitchen for free, which I appreciate. My co-workers are a pretty good lot. I always look forward to going to work (unless I have like a 60 hour week).

5) Me. We have to appreciate ourselves for success, right? I guess I'm pretty awesome. I work part time, I go to school a ton, and I cook my own food. Doesn't sound impressive unless you try it, perhaps. I'm nice, a good height/weight, and I've done some cool stuff. Sometimes I get kind of down because school makes me feel stupid. I guess I just have to remember that in the being scheme of things I'm doing alright.

There. Olive branch extended. Your turn, new semester! Make your peace offering to me!

On a seperate note, my rabbit decided to poop all over the place. My guess is that it's his attempt at re-marking his space. Or he's just peeved at the 6.5 hour car ride yesterday. I hope he quits it soon.

"Hey, what's this smell? It smells a lot like me, but I'm not sure. I think I'll have to poop on it just in case."

So it's been a long while since I've posted. What happened since mid of first year second semester?

Well, I made it though the end of second semester with an average of 90 flat. That was nice. I really enjoyed second semester, despite how annoying large animal anatomy was. We did a good job dispatching of our notes after exams....heheheh....

It was a busy time, but it was fun. I remember frequently skipping useless lab for funner outings. My favorite memory being that we ran off to a nearby park - the weather was beautiful. Not too hot, not too cold. The sun was out. Bees weren't out yet. We were on the top of the hill and purple flowers were springing up everywhere. You could see for miles. It was great. Like the whole land was finally waking up from a long sleep, getting ready to enjoy the upcoming summer.

That summer I went home and back to the clinic. It was both good and bad. It was good because the clinic experience was nice. It was bad because I got rather burnt out. In so many ways I felt stupid and useless. I only had the barest scraps of usable info. I still suck horribly at restraining, especially cats. On one cat I didn't find fleas (which the doctor found many), even though I looked. Each day was like a little blow to my morale about becoming a doctor. I longed for freedom, to just run about in the nice sunny weather.

I guess when it comes down to it, I was just hoping that I'd be more useful after my first year. I was sorely let down. I didn't know if it was just me being useless, or my education didn't yet give me to tools to make baby steps?

I was caught in some weird limbo of not being a technician (clearly! from my lack of technical skills) and not being any scrap of a doctor. I didn't know where I fit in, since all the assistants had better handling skills than me, all the techs had more technical knowledge than me, and I'm not even going to pretend that I knew all the things the doctors were saying. Mostly it was just a summer of me being confused. Like trying to catch a train in a foreign station where everyone speaks a different language.

The summer ended all too quickly and it was back off to school. I was a little excited at first. And then school started.

To my credit, I really was revved up and ready to go. For the first few weeks I attended all the classes, was there always on time, and had all my work done ahead of time. I still remembered the good times I had in the previous semester and was a bright shiny student.

And then....

I don't know what happened. It was like all the magic disappeared. Not only disappeared, it was like all the magic got sucked out through some wretched joy killing vortex. Replete with fangs and life draining noises.

I think it started with talking to the residents. Yes, that's where it started....

Being interested in an internship/residency I attended a "Residency Advice + Q&A Session" with two residents from my school. Boy, was that a mistake.... joy killer #1.

Both residents were morose, despondent. They painted such a bleak and completely awful picture of what the whole process was like. It was like they were saying "HA! Your chance at a residency is like a snowball in hell! AND when you do get one (which you'll never get, btw) you'll be completely miserable for the next few years of your life. Did I mention *completely* miserable? No? Well, read my lips: completely miserable. And you'll never get one."

So that was a great kick to the proverbial nads. I'll admit that it really got me down for a while. Why are they so unhappy? Would I really be unhappy just like them? If I'm lucky enough, that is, to get the chance to be that unhappy....

Joy killer #2. Class for 7 hours a day, many days a week. Not fun class either. Mostly just endless facts thrown at you which you'll be expected to memorize. I can deal with the first few hours, but after that I absorbed nothing. It is not, nor will it ever be, my way to learn by sitting on my ass and getting wads of knowledge told to me for several hours. Agony is a good word for it.

At least first year we got to touch dead animals. This year we touch NO animals at all. Unless you count bacteria, then I touched billions. No, last semester was just me sitting on my keister previewing the load of stuff to memorize, and being bored out of my skull. Maybe we're learning more useful information, but it was still painful. Just like going to cooking school but never making a recipe or trying a product. Just memorizing recipe after recipe.

Joy killer #3. The disgruntled 4th year student.

We're required to observe different parts of the hospital a few times each semester. This semester we got shuffled to community practice. Basically, it's where people bring in their animals for simple things. Vaccines, health certificates. The 4th year will do an exam, fetch the clinican and tend to the animal. In theory.

In real life, the 4th year does an exam, spends 40 minutes trying to find the clinician, and only gets to do the simplest of clinical duties (I do more at my summer clinic than the 4th years do in their CP rotation). It was horrifyingly inefficient. No wonder the new grads I have met are worthless at time management. They're sure not learning it at the hospital.

Then the 4th year opened his mouth and proceeded to kill more joy.

You see, 4th year has been like the holy grail for me. It's a time where you get to be a doctor, to touch and heal animals, a time when you prepare yourself for flying solo. You're free from the classroom. Free from quizzes, sitting in endless lectures and being a lump on a log. In 4th year, you *actually do things*.

Or at least that's what I thought. This 4th year told us, in no uncertain terms, that my holy grail was instead more like a cheap plastic cup. A cheap plastic cup than had even been run over several times.

According to him "You don't get to do anything in 4th year. It's pretty useless." WTF?! He told us about his experiences so far and his lack of hands on learning. How there were few opportunities to learn the practical skills he wanted. How you spend hours of wasted time cleaning cages, not learning. How you walk dogs at 8am instead of participating in surgery. How you spend long hours at the hospital, not because you are accomplishing much: only because you're wading through an inefficient system.

Great, just fan-freaking-tastic. All the glorious thoughts of my 4th year had been crushed. Instead of seeing myself diagnosing, suturing and shouting out life saving commands I now had a vision of me, just as I am now. Cleaning cages, getting crapped on, and not able to do anything "cool".

All of these kill joys had been coupled with exams every week and the onslaught of mind numbing, ass numbing, lectures. Many of them were about things I could care less about. Like super rare cow diseases. I always hated it when they said "You'll probably only see this in your entire career once, if ever, but you should know....." Thanks for wasting my brain space on things I'll probably never see. I appreciate it.

Somehow, for reasons far beyond me, many of my classmates enjoyed this past semester. Maybe they didn't encounter the soul crushing residents or senior student. Maybe they like hours of lectures and then memorizing pages upon pages for exams. Maybe they love endless NOT hands-on learning? Maybe they like learning diseases they'll probably never see?

So if I sound bitter, annoyed, and quite despondent myself .... it's because I am. Some odd combination of events conspired to really make me un-enthused about school. Despite working part time and hating school, I did reasonably well with an 86 average of all my classes.

And so here I am on the eve of second year, second semester. I really hope that I find something enjoyable about this semester. I promise I'll try to find a silver lining if it promises to suck less.